lost

I just came back from one of the most beautiful places in the world, Cuzco. I am very happy that, because of my job, I get to be there twice a year.

Thank you Fulana for asking about me. I know I have disappeared from the face of virtual earth. My job has taken all of my time. Time from my social life (which before was almost non existent), time from my dissertation, etc. My job as a resident director of a study abroad program has also made me think a lot about my own experience as a foreign student. These past days, talking to the students about culture shock, trying to fit in a culture that is not yours, has made me remember about me 8 years ago. A frightened me. An insecure me.

When I see their faces I wonder if they will end up like me. Of course they only come for 5 months or one year top. I spent 6 years in NYC and now I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like my friends are all over the place. Not that I have no friends. But that... why would I spend time in making friends if I will be leaving anyway? It is a weird feeling because I know I will be staying here for a long time. This is (supposedly) my home. Although I don't know what to call home now.

I have been thinking a lot recently. I had a bad car accident before my trip and that also made think. My feeling of insecurity grew. I participated in a TV show last Monday (kind of the View but with two guys and one girl) where we discussed marriage. Yes, marriage. I was the only single one among 5 happily married people talking about love and marriage. Why did you invite me? I asked. Half joking, half seriously.

And it may be that I still feel that I don't fit in. I don't fit in NYC. I don't fit in Lima. I can't understand Peruvian men (I couldn't before leaving and it's even worst now that I am back).

I am happy in Lima. Don't take me wrong. It is just a constant feeling, like a small headache, of not belonging here anymore.

Any painkillers for that?