challenging my maternal instincts

Part of my job is to take care of my US students who are studying here in Peru as regular students. So far "to take care" has meant going out for "heart to heart" sessions when they felt home sick, help them with translating some words, getting around and some safety issues; but the beginning of this semester changed everything and really challenged me in many different levels. One of my students' appendix burst and I had to rush her to the ER. She had been here for less than 2 weeks when this happened. While I was driving her to the hospital, I could only remember the horrible stories I had while studying abroad in NYC (especially the ones with urologists). Fulana might remember one of them. Having said that, the only thing I knew was to never leave my student by herself. The phonecall I had to make to her mom (who, coincidentally, lives in NYC) has been the toughest I had made so far in my career. She came three days later to stay with her daughter (who had to be in the hospital for 6 days) and I went back to the orientation talks and activities with the rest of the group.

One of the things that were moved inside of me during the three days I stayed with L in the hospital was my idea that maternal instincts do not exist. I had this gigantic desire to take care of her, it was as if seeing her weak made me stronger. Like a lion taking care of her cub. Of course, deep inside, I was scared to death. Needles to say, we have bonded and now she is one of the students that I know the best (and as I said to her: I now know her inside out, hahahaha).

The second thing was that it showed me how strong I could be. I learned the tough way in NYC that I was strong; but this time it proved me how strong I can be in my own country. It was ironic because I had just told my students, before this happened, that living abroad is one of the ways of seeing how strong one can be and L reminded me when we were at the ER of the stories I told them during the "culture shock" talk. So, I know what they are going through because I have lived it. Although I wish I had someone like me that could have cared for me during the most difficult moments when I felt that I was lonely. Do not take me wrong, I am very grateful for my rommies, my Jewish mom and my friends; but there is a sense of helplessness that one has while being abroad that cannot be described.

This experience has made me think about me being single, not dating, being in my "mid thirties" and having no children. But I guess I don't want to get into that. At least not today. I just wanted to write something since my fulana has complainted that I have not blogged in a long time. The truth is that I did not know how to do it, how to express all of my feeling with words.

Well... I will continue later. Now I have to focus on two articles I have to write for the UNDP about (oh irony of life!) maternity, gender, sexual rights and health.

lost

I just came back from one of the most beautiful places in the world, Cuzco. I am very happy that, because of my job, I get to be there twice a year.

Thank you Fulana for asking about me. I know I have disappeared from the face of virtual earth. My job has taken all of my time. Time from my social life (which before was almost non existent), time from my dissertation, etc. My job as a resident director of a study abroad program has also made me think a lot about my own experience as a foreign student. These past days, talking to the students about culture shock, trying to fit in a culture that is not yours, has made me remember about me 8 years ago. A frightened me. An insecure me.

When I see their faces I wonder if they will end up like me. Of course they only come for 5 months or one year top. I spent 6 years in NYC and now I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like my friends are all over the place. Not that I have no friends. But that... why would I spend time in making friends if I will be leaving anyway? It is a weird feeling because I know I will be staying here for a long time. This is (supposedly) my home. Although I don't know what to call home now.

I have been thinking a lot recently. I had a bad car accident before my trip and that also made think. My feeling of insecurity grew. I participated in a TV show last Monday (kind of the View but with two guys and one girl) where we discussed marriage. Yes, marriage. I was the only single one among 5 happily married people talking about love and marriage. Why did you invite me? I asked. Half joking, half seriously.

And it may be that I still feel that I don't fit in. I don't fit in NYC. I don't fit in Lima. I can't understand Peruvian men (I couldn't before leaving and it's even worst now that I am back).

I am happy in Lima. Don't take me wrong. It is just a constant feeling, like a small headache, of not belonging here anymore.

Any painkillers for that?

scars

Scars are there to remind you of your mistakes. My leg has two. Those are the new ones reminding me of the pain I went through.

Today my scars are hurting. It might be the beginning of the year. It might be reading about people, realizing that I haven't accomplish what I wanted, facing my own weakness... it might be a lot of things.

Today it hurts.

upset

My other blog is still locked. It was locked on December 18 by blogger and, even though I have followed their unlocking link twice, nothing has happened. Surfing the web, I have encountered more people with the same problem. I do not want to create a new blog, I really like my old one. But it looks like I will have to open a new one.

felices fiestas / happy holidays

My other blog has been blocked by google. They say it looks like a spam blog!!!! So, I can't post on it. Therefore, this will be my first (and don't know if last) bilingual post.

I only want to wish happy holidays to all of you out there in the blog world. May all your dreams come true!!!!

Mi otro blog ha sido bloqueado por google. Dicen que es un spam. No se realmente por que me han dicho eso, pero a pesar de haber pedido que sea desbloqueado, sigo sin poder escribir en el. Mientras tanto, tendre que hacer que Hypatia sea bilingue.

Les deseo unas muy felices fiestas y que todos sus deseos se vuelvan realidad!!!!